The Coconut Date

loneliness-3-girl-alone-train
Firstly, apologies for not posting much recently. Dates have been thin on the ground due to the fact that I am becoming more deterred by the losers that I seem to be attracting. I changed my online dating profile during the week – I included way more personal description – complete with my nerdy taste in books. This was quickly readjusted after I started to receive messages from the MENSA brigade. Thanks – but no thanks. If there is one thing worse than a short guy – it’s a nerdy short guy who thinks he has a chance getting his leg over because I mentioned that I like reading Jonah Lehrer.

So after my readjustment of said profile – I received a message from The Coconut (his nickname apparently). He was totally my type looks wise – quite dark and had a great sense of humour. He had really interesting taste in music and seemed like a totally cool guy – so it was for these reasons that I decided to overlook the fact that his profile stated that he was 5′ 11″ – I mean it’s only one inch away from six foot right? In theory – yes – IF he had in fact been 5′ 11″.

We chatted all night Friday and he invited me to go to his friend’s going away party the following night. Realizing that there was absolutely no point in spending weeks messaging someone only to be faced with another Adonis situation – I decided to take him up on the offer.

So I asked him where I should meet him. “Waitara”. “Wait – where?” Waitara – a snuggly North Shore suburb consisting of a mere 5,000 people and – oh yes – it is TWENTY THREE KILOMETERS outside the city. Even when I bought my ticket at the train station, the ticket guy laughed at me. It didn’t help my nerves at venturing into unknown bushland that the train was covered in dirt and graffiti – and contained more than one eloquently placed undesirable. Sometimes… I think I am a bit crazy for doing these things. Travelling for an hour to meet some guy I had known for a day in the middle of nowhere would definitely be one of those things.

When I arrived at Waitara station, I wandered around for a bit – so that I might have a chance to run if he looked a bit mad. Eventually, I walked up to someone who looked like the guy in the picture. Short. One inch taller than me at best. If it wasn’t for expected etiquette, I would have gotten straight back on that train. Should have listened to the ticket guy.

So off we went to his friend’s going away party – which was at The Blue Gum bar about two minutes away from the station. He was a nice guy – introduced me to all his friends – well – the ones that were still standing that is – and made an effort to include me in conversation. I just wasn’t into him. It wasn’t just the height thing – he was kind of effeminate and clingy.

Eventually – after his friends were involved in two fights at the bar, three had thrown up and the rest could barely stand – we decided to call it a night. He offered to take me home on the train – I really didn’t want to have to listen to him anymore and tried to talk him out of it – but he was very persistent.

I guess he thought the date had went well because he offered to take me for Yum Cha the next day and said that he couldn’t wait to meet my friends. OH. MY. GOD.

Finally, we reached the main road near my apartment and we parted ways. I really didn’t want him knowing where I lived so that I might avoid another Slovakian Guy stalker situation.

When I got home, I had a message from him stating that he really liked me and wanted to see me again – *DELETE*.

The Adonis

605431-bigthumbnail_large

I have just returned from my much (overly) anticipated date with The Adonis. I was expecting better – or maybe I just wasn’t expecting someone who calls himself “The Adonis” to drive a girl car and have a pet kitten named “Maddie”. I think that The Adonis is now the unofficial crazy cat lady of  online dating.

It’s bush fire season in Oz at the moment – so the authorities have banned the public from entering most of the national parks meaning that our planned hike up the Blue Mountains fell by the wayside. Only realizing this when I arrived, we decided on a quick lunch at Outback Steakhouse to start off. The conversation was great and we have a similar sense of humor. I have to say that I really enjoyed his company. He was just probably a little too much into his weight training than I would like – complete with singlet – urgh. Also, by the sounds of it – he really is ready to settle down and have the 2.5 kids – urgh.

When the bill came around I thought that it was a little too high to expect him to foot the whole amount so I threw down my card – no attempt was made by him to pay the bill or arrange to have it split. I guess he has more important things to spend his money on – like protein powder and Whiskas.

Anyway – on to the “fun” part of the date. A 7km walk around a lake somewhere in some part of the Blue Mountains. Nothing says “fun” like a 7km flat walk in boiling heat! Yeah! By the end of it, my perfectly coiffed do and pristine makeup was a beautiful sweaty mess and I had a pounding headache and chapped lips from dehydration. Really wish that I hadn’t mentioned that I “loved” hiking (slight exaggeration from the girl who restricted the search for her new apartment to within 100 meters of her workplace). He was noticeably alarmed to hear me gasping and spluttering after a few minutes.

We stopped at a little cafe before heading back to his car where I chugged down 3 glasses of water and rushed to the bathroom to try and salvage what was left of the makeup on my face. On a positive  note, we also grabbed some great iced milks and caramel cheesecake – so good! And don’t worry – I let him take care of the bill this time.

Finally on to the train station where he departed with the words that nobody wants to hear on a first date – “Well – it was nice to meet you” – or in other words – “I hope I never have the misfortune to see our paths cross again. By the way, your makeup is dripping off your face.” Wow – even Crazy Cat Lady doesn’t want me!

In other dating news – The Slovakian Guy has turned into a very persistent phone stalker. Hoping that I manage to shake him off this week. If anyone comes across my lifeless body anytime soon you know who it was.

The Safety Consultant Guy – “The Date That Got Away”

Woman Crying at Restaurant Table

I have just discovered what is worse than a bad date – a non date.

We agreed to meet up after work for some dinner and drinks. I hadn’t heard from him since New Year’s Day so texted him with a quick “Hey!” message this morning so that we could clarify the time and location. Nothing. Not a squeak. Not even a lame “Sorry – I can’t make tonight”.

On the plus side, I have in all likelihood avoided another DATE FROM HELL – or even worse… I could have been properly stood up and left to cry into my steak by myself while I contemplate banging the sympathetic waiter.

An another positive note: THE KISS-O-METER is now is action (thanks to Sensualnslutty!) – and for the record … The Slovakian Guy was very much a “clammy” – *shudder*.

Now – if you’ll excuse me, it’s 9pm and I still have time to throw on my “fat pants” and eat my feelings.

The Chiropractor Guy

Pancakes on the Rocks

I just got back from my date with The Chiropractor Guy – still in shock. If there was a date worthy enough to make me convert to lesbianism – then this would be the one. I don’t think that this guy could have been a bigger douche if he had tried!

So we had been messaging over Christmas until now and he seemed totally normal (don’t they all?!). He had a great sense of humor (and to be fair – he did in person too… somewhere between playing with his phone and telling me about all the girls he was banging) and I felt that we really hit it off. Also, he was over 6′ tall – the height problem solved right? Right?!

Welcome everyone to the story of THE DATE FROM HELL. I felt like Ashton Kutcher was about to jump out at any second and shout “You’ve been punked!”

He had decided to take us to a little restaurant in the Rocks called “Pancakes on the Rocks” – we parked up and he asked me for change for the parking meter. You knew that you were going to be parking the damn car – bring some change!

We had to queue up outside the restaurant for a while – which of course, was no problem – except that I noticed something that would continue on for the rest of the night… he inability to stop texting/checking his voice mail. Seriously, you are on a date – have the manners to leave your phone in your pocket.

When we finally got seated, it was right at the back of the restaurant – the only way that we could have gotten closer to the restrooms was if they had had some tables beside the urinals. Watching everyone come in and out did make for some interesting conversation though – including the man that went into the ladies and never seemed to notice and the old lady that didn’t  reemerge from the toilets again for thirty minutes. I will definitely be spending more time in the future analyzing restroom activity. Oh – cheap thrills.

Strangely, he really didn’t ask me anything about myself and his conversation centered mainly on his “witty” jokes and such interesting topics as “have you ever filmed yourself having sex?” and “I dare you to pop out your nipple!” Finally, I had finished my food and my drink and – seeing me playing with my glass – he ordered even more water … forcing me to sit there even longer listening to him. Maybe my smiles and laughter had been pretty convincing in my wanting to avoid looking like a girl who was on the worst date of her life. Maybe.

We drove back to my place and he parked up outside. I had my seat-belt off before he had stopped the car – and my door open before the inevitable awkward pause ensued. I thanked him for dinner and he leaned in for a kiss – I took this chance to NOT make the same mistake as I did with The Slovakian Guy and gave him a kiss on the cheek . I then took my chance and ran out to the safety of my front door.

Giving him a kiss on the cheek was perfectly acceptable. Or so I had thought – until I got the following text message from him: “Could have thrown a sloppy one at me”.

In your dreams Mr. Chiropractor.

The Slovakian Guy

Cantaloupe-melon-001

So I had my date with the Slovakian Guy last night. I actually had really high hopes for this date. He had seemed totally cool when we had chatted. He was adventurous, had traveled a lot, his profile stated (“stated” being the operative word here) that he had been to college and worked in property (I was to find that this occupation was a landscape gardener – an occupation I thought was somewhat twisting the confines of being  within  the property industry).

He took complete charge of the date – which I really like in a guy – and had decided to pick me up and take us both to Brighton-Le-Sands – a beach about 15 minutes drives outside of Sydney with lots of cafes and bars. Upon realizing my concern that I was somewhat uncomfortable with being picked up by a complete stranger (!), we agreed that we would meet at Darling Harbor in the city.

I was – again – disappointed when I first saw him. He described himself as being 5’10” – so being 5’6″ myself – I was never expecting Goliath – but… yeah… he definitely WAS NOT 5’10”.  You might think I am being quite bitchy and picky about the whole height thing – but the truth is – I like my big guys!

Also – there was a limp issue.

He was a really sweet guy though. We went to a nice Indian restaurant on the harbor and the conversation was good – had a little trouble understanding his Slovakian/Australian accent – but for the most part it was okay. We always had something to talk about which was great.

After the restaurant, we headed to Bungalow 8 – a bar on the harbor front – and chatted for another couple of hours. Following that we finished up by going to a club in the city – where we stayed until 5am.

This club was where the awkward situation occurred. Picture the scene: we are getting along great, absolutely no physical attraction on my part though (ABSOLUTELY NO PHYSICAL ATTRACTION!)  but I am enjoying his company – and he leans in for a kiss. Well actually – he had tried earlier in the night but his kiss had landed haphazardly on my cheek when I unexpectantly turned my head – but this time … I JUST PANICKED! I kissed him back.

It was like making out with a cut cantaloupe. That’s when I knew that no matter how great the conversation ever got between us – The Slovakian Guy and I would never work out.

On a side note – I think “Fishing for … fish!” needs a Kiss-O-Meter widget. Also – The Scarface Guy messaged me asking for another date. I didn’t reply.

First Date – The Scarface Guy

tumblr_ltsfplTy8P1qeofamo1_500

I joined the dating website about five days ago. I didn’t spend that much time setting up my profile – preferring instead to seem chilled out and relaxed. I added three pictures that I thought expressed my fun, adventurous and sociable characteristics. I wrote briefly about how I love to laugh and described myself simply – pretty eyes, pale skin and long, dark hair. I also described what I would like to do on a first date – something relaxed … a stuffy and awkward dinner is definitely a “no-no”  for me!

Having received some 200 emails from guys in these first few days – I must admit that the vast majority were banished to the trash bin upon quick inspection of their profiles. Some never even made it that far as something tells me that I will probably never find love with a man who’s first greeting goes something along the lines of  “Heya babes! Do you spit or swalow? (sic)” …. *DELETE!!!*

Anyway – I have ended up messaging back and enjoying conversations with a couple of nice guys at this stage. So Date#1 messaged me first. He complimented me on my pictures in the first message – which is always a good sign as it shows that they have actually looked at and read your profile and thought about contacting you – rather than copying and pasting a message to every girl that they come across that looks mildly fuckable. I messaged back because I thought that he looked like Manny from the movie “Scarface”.

One of the first things he asked me were my interests and what I did in my spare time. He just went straight in there! I mentioned the usual – reading, cooking blah blah blah. He then said something along the lines of “we share similar interests” – just point blank like that. Making this comment made me think that he was very matter-of-fact person – probably someone who wants to have a relationship because he thinks that he SHOULD have one – not because he emotionally wants to feel a deep connection with another human being.

We decided to meet for a quiet coffee after we both finished work. We were both late for our 6.30pm meeting – him being five minutes later than I was. Upon first sight I was disappointed with what I saw – perhaps noticeably so. Barely taller than I was, he was quite thin and fidgety – apologizing profusely for his scruffiness as he had just finished work.

We both had a large hot chocolate each and sat down at a small table beside the shop door. I think from first sight, he was just as disinterested in me as I was in him. Our conversation touched somewhat half-heartedly on the topics one expects to talk about on a first date. He had drank his large hot chocolate within a couple of minutes and then proceeded to fidget with the paper cup until I put him out of his misery and glugged up the last dregs of my own drink.

Parting ways outside the coffee shop – I thanked him for the drink and he thanked me for the conversation.